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AUTHOR'S NOTE: I figured I'd stick this here, just in case the beginning of this deters you. Read on before determining that Spike is totally out of character, ok? I promise, it makes sense in the end!

Black hair.

Oversized clothes.

Tall and skinny.

Aggressively hunched posture.

It's him, all right. Spike.

… My Spike.

I hesitate to think of him that way, but… I can't help it. No one loves him like I do, I know that… And… I know he doesn't feel the same, but I can't help it. He's… He's always been 'my Spike'.

Not in a possessive way, though! Just… In a way that… I care where no one else does. So I'll do what I can to take care of him like no one else does.

Thing is… I can't believe he's here. At the tree house… I've come here every day for the past two weeks, and he hasn't been here. I doubted he'd ever want to see me again after… Well… All that…

The fallout.

The fight…

I figured he hated be, but… There he is.

"Spike?"

He turns, and I see his version of a smile for a second. He doesn't really smile, see, but… His eyebrows kinda lift and the corners of his mouth twitch. But then his face settles back into the expression he had before. Eyebrows furrowed, eyes down, mouth downturned.

This is more than his usual scowl-y look. This looks… Different… Somehow.

"Sam…" His voice cracks a little. Not in a sad way, but like he hasn't used it in days.

"What're you doing here?" I say, closing the gap between us and standing in front of him. I'm struck once again by just how green his eyes are. Even though they're nearly hidden by his hair, I can still see them. They look… hurt.

"I…" He says, then looks down and scuffs his show on the ground. He clears his throat and tries again, not looking up. "I'm sorry, Sam."

I wanna reach out and touch his shoulder, or life his chin so I can look at him, or hug him, but I don't. I know how much he hates being touched…

"Spike… I…" I blink a couple times, trying to get myself together. I'm suddenly remembering everything about him leaving, and all the things he said to me, and how he just… walked away. When I cared so much and he just wanted to walk off… Then hit me. I shake my head.

"Sam?" He says, softly.

"I just… It… Spike, it sucked." I say, just as quietly. "It hurt. Hurts, still. I didn't choose to love you like I do, but I do. I just… Can't help that." I stop before I choke up.

"I know. I know you didn't choose it or anything. And I… I shouldn't have said any of that. You're not a faggot… You're Sam. I don't… I don't want you to stop being Sam. And I don't want to lose the one friend I've got… I… Didn't realize how much I'd miss having someone care about me like that till I fucked it all up. And now, all I can say is that I'm sorry and that I hope… You forgive me."

He isn't crying, but he seems close to it. He's still not looking at me, though, and I can't stand that any more. I reach out, and I tilt his head up so I can see him, not just the hair he keeps in front of his face. I expect him to flinch, like he does any time someone touches him, but he doesn't. He just averts his eyes.

"C'mon, Spike. Look at me." I say, 'cause I need him to.

He finally looks me in the face, and I put my hands on his shoulders.

"I'm sorry, too. For telling you. I swear, Spike, if you don't want me to, I won't act like I'm in love with you. We'll just stay friends, the way we are. I can do that! I just don't want that to end, 'cause I still care!"

I don't expect what happens next by a long shot. Spike, who hates physical contact and doesn't want to be seen with me, hugs me. He just… straight up hugs me and hugs tight, like he doesn't wanna let go. His fingers curl into my shirt and he sighs. I'm not sure why he's so different, but I'm not complaining. I hug back, breathing in how he smells. I can't believe how much I've missed that smell…


I open my eyes. For a moment, I don't know where I am. I think, for just a second, that I'm still at the tree house. That I can still smell Spike. That I'm still getting hugged by someone I love.

Then I remember.

I'm in bed. Alone. Two weeks and four days after Spike and I's fight… I haven't heard from him, or seen him, and I don't even know where he is. I don't know anything about my best friend and my brother…

I curl up, tight, my chest already starting to ache again. I haven't felt all right since… everything. My chest has just hurt, like someone hit it with a baseball bat, but I know it's just my heart. I've felt sick to my stomach and nothing tastes good at all… My head hurts, and I'm so tired all the time… All I want to do any more is sleep. I like sleeping better.

The corners of my eyes prick as I remember what it was like, dreaming Spike had come back. It's not hard… I dream like that all the time. The only times I don't, are when I'm dreaming of how things used to be…

I blink and hot tears start down my cheeks. I don't know when they'll stop, but I know it'll be a while… I can't ever seem to stop crying, either… I can't stop missing him or hurting.

I just want to go back to dreaming again. I hate waking up from dreams like that and remembering what reality is. Remembering all the things he said to me over and over again.

"You want me to say I'm happy that my best friend is a fucking faggot?"

"Get your damn hands off me."

"You haven't tried hard enough."

"You're so fucking self-centered!"

The last one hurts the most to remember him saying… I hate remembering the look on his face as he said it, and how much he meant it, and how bad it hurt. What's worse… Is wondering how much is true…

Have I really just not tried hard enough to not love him? Am I really self-centered? I don't know.

My body's shaking now, I'm crying so hard. I've pulled myself into a ball and I'm just sobbing. Like I do most nights. Like I try so hard not to do during the day, but that's usually how it ends up.

Because it seems like everything reminds me of him! Everything! All the comics and stuff in my room, everything I remember we did here together… Walking to school, being in school… I look for him, every single day, but I never see him… I look for him out of habit, and I wait for him before I go to school because I feel like if I stop waiting… I'll be giving up on him.

All these old habits are so hard to break… I'll find myself waiting outside the school to walk with him, sometimes for almost a half hour, before I finally remember that he just won't be there…

It hurts. It hurts like I can't believe to think he's gone and to think of how much he hates me right now. I know my dad would try to tell me he doesn't hate me, but he didn't see the look on Spike's face when he said all those things or when he swung to hit me because I just couldn't let him walk away… Spike hates me now.

I gasp with how much that thought physically hurts. People don't think that emotions can hurt physically, but they're wrong! It feels like someone's slamming a fist into my chest. Or squeezing my heart, or pumping ice into it. It's cold and it's crushing…

It's the worst feeling in the world, really. It feels like you'll never be able to get enough air and you'll never be able to get your heart to beat normally again. That, combined with the sick stomach… It all just hurts.

I've been curled up so tight, I can feel my arms and legs seizing up, but I don't want to uncurl. I can't… I just can't find the energy or desire to get myself out of this ball. I'm crying so hard I can barely breathe and everything, every single part of me hurts… My back from being curled so tight, my fingers from clenching so hard, my scalp from where I've been grabbing my hair, my legs from being drawn to my chest, and back to my chest.

From working so hard to keep me breathing through tears that don't seem to end and from being so empty and so crushed for so long…

I want him back. I'd give so much to have him back, or to even just get my chance to apologize for everything I did wrong, for everything I am. I feel so fucked up. Like I am a fuckup… I feel like it's all my fault and I don't know how to handle that…

I don't even know if I can handle that!

My breathing's slowing, finally, and I can feel my muscles relaxing from just being too tired to stay clenched up like this anymore…

The tears fade out. My body loosens. My breathing slows. The hurt stays.

I'm drifting back to sleep, finally.

Like I do every time I can feel myself falling asleep, I hope that I just don't wake up this time…

I'm tired of waking up and remembering what reality is for me now…
This is an idea I've toyed with for a while and finally just got around to it.

This is what Sam's like after Spike's disappearance, after where :iconoomizuao: left of in the chapters of her novel that she's put online. Well, this is what he's like as best as I can figure.

I've not been in Sam's exact position, but I've been close. This is what it was for a while, but less crying. Kinda. But the emotional state is the same.

Uh... that's all I'm gonna say, I guess.

Story is mine.
Spike, Sam, other characters mentioned, and storyline belong to :iconoomizuao:. PLEASE check that epicness out!

HUGE part of writing this was this song: [link]
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:iconkaitheboy:
KaiTheBoy Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
why must you hurt me like this? :'c
also the link isn't quite working anymore, what is the name of the song?
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:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner May 8, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
The song is "Echo" by Jason Walker!
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:iconkaitheboy:
KaiTheBoy Featured By Owner May 8, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow that song is great! Also thanks :p
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:iconremanigia:
RemaNigia Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Ahhhh, I was so happy and everything was perfect and rainbows and kittens and butterflies and then BOOM
IT WAS ALL A DREAM :iconcryforeverplz: NO NO NO NO NOOOO
Why would you DO THIS TO MEHHH :iconcryingplz: THE PAIN OF THE FEEEEEELSSSSSSSSSSS DDDDX

However very well written, you are quite an amazing author, all the characters-yes even Dream/Spike- were very VERY accurately portrayed, it was all so in character and the plot was believable and perfect and yet destroying in that same aspect OH GODS WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME WHYYYYYYY :iconallmyfeelsplz:
Now where was I? Oh yeah, crying my eyes out. WAAAAHH :iconcryforeverplz: *dying whale noises*
Reply
:iconkilleras58585858:
killeras58585858 Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2014  Student Interface Designer
Wow.. you write so amazingly.. o.O but.. you should care about how the owner of oomizuao will feel? Personaly I would feel depresed.. if enyone was to continue something mine...something i had started! :/
Reply
:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh! Oomi knows this is here and she's thrilled with it! I wasn't trying to take over her work or anything, I just wanted to make a tribute to one of my favorite works and vent my feelings at the same time. No worries, Oomi loves this little story and is totally okay it's here.
Reply
:iconxerosolace:
XeroSolace Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014
You should read Oomi's comment at the bottom, and that should accurately address your concerns. I had the same concerns too until I read it. :)
Reply
:iconkilleras58585858:
killeras58585858 Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Student Interface Designer
Thanks so much ! I really apriciate it ! "<3" :D
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:iconxerosolace:
XeroSolace Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014
No problem!
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:iconxerosolace:
XeroSolace Featured By Owner May 21, 2014
Man! You had me fooled! Its like this piece was ordained by Oomi herself! I guess that's the kind of effect her writing, her characters, her story can have on people. You portrayed Sam's emotions so clearly it almost hurt me... actually, it did hurt. This was a fantastic find, and I cant believe I didn't find it until now. Did I already tell you, you have amazing talent? Cuz you really do! :)
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:iconstarmic:
starmic Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012
awsome awsome awsome! i usally try to do my own version too,i make all "next parts of the story" possivel but i never get to the comeback this way if you know what i mean anyways epic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
uh, thanks lol :)
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:iconstarmic:
starmic Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012
....yeah it was vry confusing but itīs really well done you write very well
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:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
thanks
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:iconstarmic:
starmic Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012
welcome◕ ‿‿ ◕
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:iconwolfluvur:
wolfluvur Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2012
WOW, you have a really amazing writing talent! This is just one of those writings, that it is so good, that even if you can't relate to it if it is simply described to you, it just is way deep and plucks your heartstrings when you read it.... my god, you are amazing!
Reply
:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
AWWWWWW Thanks!!! :3
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:iconwolfluvur:
wolfluvur Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2012
no prob, you deserve the compliments!
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:iconlittleunbeautiful:
littleunbeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Striking. Good work.
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:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you
Reply
:iconippikiokamixiii:
ippikiokamiXIII Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2012
this is so beautiful. its been so long since ive read some fan writing of Oomi, and the ones that i do read (based on her features) are so well written its as if she has written them herself. i bet you hear a lot of people almost crying and im another one of those people...anyways, the story is amazing and you chose the best hypothetical situation to write about! now im even more excited as to Oomi's release of her graphic novel. thank you and good job :D
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:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
thanks
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:iconbluekyopuppy:
Bluekyopuppy Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I've never known how to explain the pain I get in my chest but you got it so perfectly, I can understand Sam's pain in this and my godit's as if Oomi wrote it her self
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:iconconwant:
Conwant Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2012
Sad and Beautiful.

It describes everything a heartbreak would be like. More or less. It doesn't really help that I love these characters either. :icontouchedplz:
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:icontalkerwolf:
Talkerwolf Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Student Writer
This was incredible, I really mean it. Probably one of the best short fanfics I have read in ages.
You wrote it so well I felt like I was in pain, felt the tears welling in the back of my eyes!
Reply
:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:icontalkerwolf:
Talkerwolf Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome. I favourited it straight away :)
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:iconlewis85:
Lewis85 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012
Absolutely amazing, one of the best short stories I've read in a long time, makes me jealous as a writer! XD
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:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Write every day! :3
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:iconlewis85:
Lewis85 Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2012
I should probably write more
Reply
:iconcrimsonhussar:
CrimsonHussar Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Student Artist
I can relate. I have a good friend who I almost screwed up with because I said something that made it sound like we where both gay for eachother. Im straight. But I still can't say for him orientation wise.
Reply
:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I dunno if you've read any of Spike's story, but Sam does romantically love him. that scared spike, a lot, because he's been sexually abused by his uncle for a long time. he's homophobic, and doesn't have any idea how to handle sam's love.
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:icongrimedecorum:
GrimeDecorum Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This was a great fan-fic for such a great story. I really loved reading this, you should absolutely do more fanfics for this story :) I'll be sure to read them if you do! :D
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:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you :3
Reply
:iconangelfire2016:
Angelfire2016 Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
WOW.
that's deep, dude. v___v,

well written. it's SO beautiful.... >~<,,,,
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:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks!
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:iconlonehanyo:
LoneHanyo Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Reading this fic... listening to that song right after... man i wish I could do some animation right now
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:iconthedarklordcreator:
TheDarkLordCreator Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Student Digital Artist
It's so sad... T_T
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:iconlunarclockwork:
LunarClockwork Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012
This reminds me of the guy I love right now but we're not talkin right now and now I miss him alot cause he was the first guy to ask me if i was gay and not make it weird and was always nice to me a lot of the time. Sometimes I even have dreams where were together and just talk or hold hands then I wake up and I feel the same way sam does, all I want to do is fall back to sleep and dream. Waking cause me so much pain at times I just want to sleep for eternity but I know people will miss me and I have things to do before I do. I feel like this story really has given me a bit of hope that everything will turn out right Thank you so much you create such a beautiful piece!!!!
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:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
You're welcome *hugs* hope it all works out!!
Reply
:iconlunarclockwork:
LunarClockwork Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2012
Thanx I hope so too but i haven't seen him lately so it's kind of depressing and spring break is upon us=_= This always happens right when i'm about to step up they disappear and when i don't want to see them they appear><
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:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Well I wish you the best of luck!
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:iconreivheshaky:
reivheshaky Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
The discryptions are powerfull and the emotions vivid. Nicely done! Very touching
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:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks so much!
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:iconreivheshaky:
reivheshaky Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No prob :D
Reply
:iconsjoha:
Sjoha Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012
Wow you did amazing job with this! It's really beautifully written and the feelings are described very strongly, I like it very much.
Reply
:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you :3
Reply
:iconhugmeimkawii:
hugmeimkawii Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012
You did such a great job with this!!! I absolutely love it! I've kind of been in a situation like this, but not nearly as extreme. The way you got his emotions and the dream, just fabulous!! I'm totally faving this!! :D
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:iconxxblueloverxx:
xxBlueLoverxx Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
thanks!
Reply
:iconhugmeimkawii:
hugmeimkawii Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012
Your welcome!! ;P
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